What If?

Miranda's Story 3

What can Miranda do to help her avoid needing to consider abortion in her future?

Women who have had one abortion often go on to have another, or several, thinking each time that they will never have to do it again. They are reproductively vulnerable, and may not know why, or what to do to make themselves less vulnerable. They need protection, but do not know how to provide it for themselves.

What does Miranda need that she can provide for herself, and how can she provide it?

What can you do to help future Mirandas avoid having to consider abortion?

Some possibilities:

--If you are a parent.
You can relate to all your children in ways that encourage and strengthen their sense of self respect and self protection. You can avoid having a "target" or scapegoat in your family by refusing to dump our own problems on other people. You can teach your daughters to say no to anyone whenever it's not in their own best interest to say yes or to simply aquiesce.

--If you are an educator.
You can take seriously your power to damage your students, refusing to use taunts, reverse psychology, or other esteem damaging tactics. You can provide education that informs children about reproduction and responsibility.

--If you are a minister or religious leader.
You can avoid in your teaching creating two classes of people, male and female, with different rules for each. You can teach personal responsibility for one's own behavior whether male or female. You can show value for women by not restricting or diminishing their participation or expectations in home, religious environment, or society.

--If you are a legislator.
You can support laws that provide for women and children's welfare without penalizing them either directly or indirectly.

--If you are in the medical field.
You can support respectful and open discussion of reproductive information with all people of reproductive age. You can be sensitive and kind to those in vulnerable situations.
You can provide full information about reproductive choices in an unbiased and supportive manner.

What can your organization do now to help future Mirandas?

What project, personal or organizational, can you begin now, that you can take action on today to help future Mirandas?

Please share your comments and suggestions.

Miranda's Story 2

What was present in Miranda’s life that made it possible for her to not choose abortion?

--A supportive family. Particularly a mother who was there to accompany her, to advise but not pressure her, financial security for her and her child, and the belief that she could create a family with the father of her child.

--Understanding, considerate and respectful options presented by medical professionals, without pressure to make a particular decision either for or against abortion.

What could have been present in Miranda’s life that would have prevented her from having to make a choice at all regarding abortion?

--A sense of respect for and ownership of her own body. If Miranda had thought more about Miranda and less about being acceptable to an older male she would have been more likely to avoid the vulnerable position she got into.

--A better relationship with her own father. Miranda’s father was distant from his children and largely uninvolved in their lives, focusing most of his energies and attention on his career. Additionally, he was particularly critical of Miranda, more so than with her younger siblings. She grew up feeling that there was something inadequate about her that caused her father to not love her as much as the rest of the children in the family.

A girl learns about men first and most importantly from her father. He can help her be secure about her worth, or question it. I’ve repeatedly noticed that girls who have been abandoned by their fathers, either physically or emotionally, seem to always be searching for male approval. They are sitting ducks for seductive older males who want a compliant sex partner with weak personal boundaries.

--A long view rather than a short view regarding what is valuable and important to her. Miranda was not thinking long term when she began to recklessly hang out with friends who dabbled in drugs, ditched school, and engaged in petty crime.

--Parents who were able to take necessary steps to remove Miranda from associations and activities that put her in jeopardy.

--A school that effectively eliminated older non-students from school activities and proximity to the school, one that made sure parents knew when their children were not attending. Miranda’s parents learned later that her boyfriend had repeatedly called her high school, posing as her father, to excuse her for absences, days away from school which she had spent with him.

--Teachers and staff who were supportive of female students. Several incidents in Miranda’s first year at the big impersonal high school contributed to her sense of isolation, insecurity, lack of value, and low expectations for herself. A pivotal point came shortly after she had decided to stop her truant behavior and bring her grades up. After several weeks of improvement that she was proud of, she was called into the dean’s office because she had been accused of smoking in the girls lavatory. She had actually not been the smoker, but refused to accuse a friend, there at the same time, who was the smoker.

The dean, attempting either reverse physchology, or simply being inept, told Miranda at that point that she obviously did not care about her education, and he saw little reason for her to prepare for or expect more than a menial job in her future. This disregard for her improved grades and behavior and derision toward her as a person created devastating doubts in her mind about her abilities. It matched, in her thinking, her own father’s lack of interest, and the taunts she had received from snobbish classmates about her clothing and appearance. She decided to stop trying, to just get through high school and not aim for anything significant because she was probably incapable of more.

Taken together, the negative responses Miranda received to her best efforts made her particularly vulnerable to the advances of any male who provided the approval and admiration she lacked from other important sources.

Miranda's Story

Miranda was impregnated by a much older boyfriend who got her drunk and had unprotected sex with her. We’ll call him Rolf. He had a difficult past, abandoned as a young child and placed in a series of foster homes, some of which were abusive. Though he was eventually adopted, it was by an eccentric woman who had been recently widowed. He missed out on many things a family should have provided for him, and received much that no child should ever be subjected to at home or elsewhere.

Rolf was not good husband material, and Miranda knew in her heart that he wasn’t. But, she was very young, and he made big promises, and, she wanted to put a good face on what had happened to her. So, she didn’t tell her family how she’d gotten pregnant, about the drunken seduction. She said she loved Rolf, and they wanted to marry right away.

Miranda’s parents were adamantly against her marrying such an unsuitable partner, and to marry at all at such a young age. When Miranda went to her physician in her early pregnancy, accompanied by her mother, the physician kindly suggested that perhaps Miranda should consider abortion, because she was very young, and her prospects were not good for a satisfying marriage to Rolf.

Miranda said no, she would not destroy her child, she just couldn’t do it. Her mother said she understood, and that the family would help her, that they would all be supportive.

Shortly after Miranda’s decision against abortion Rolf became involved in criminal activity and was sent to another state for several months in a work program for first time offenders. Miranda stayed at home, and wrote to him every day. They asked that they be allowed to marry in spite of the situation if Rolf got a good report from his supervisors and his probation officer, which he would work hard to earn because he loved Miranda and wanted to marry her and be a father to their child.

Miranda’s parents were in a quandary, they did not think this at all a good idea for Miranda, they did not like the choices that were before her. Should they encourage her to reconsider abortion? No, they would not choose for her, it must be her choice. And, even if it seemed practical, they could not bear the thought of destroying their grandchild. Should they allow her to marry Rolf? They very much did not want to do that. But, they were afraid Miranda and Rolf would run away together as soon as he was released, and they knew that could not be good for her or the expected baby.

Reluctantly, and with great misgivings, they allowed the marriage to take place, and everyone hoped for the best. The marriage lasted three years, with Miranda finally leaving Rolf after he again became involved in crime, and she became afraid for the safety of herself and her child.

Determined to get an education, and rebuild her life, she divorced Rolf and, with her small daughter, moved back in with her parents and siblings while she went to school.